I vividly remember the day I uttered the words "Do you think my anxiety could turn into Schizophrenia?". I remember where I was, even the weather, and exactly how I was feeling. Utterly trapped. I guess that's when I knew I had to do something about the state of my mental health.
That was 3 days after my first experience with Dissociation/Derealisation (explanation here) and nearly 7 years ago now, which seems an eternity ago yet like only yesterday. It was the most hellish 3 hours of my life and I could only describe as feeling totally disconnected/detached from my body. I remember not recognising myself in the bathroom mirror, and at that stage of drunk where you don't want to be drunk anymore. The problem: I wasn't drunk. I'd woken up suddenly in the early hours of the morning with a total unknown self of being and thoughts of 'What if this is it? What if I'm actually going mad?'. But I wasn't going 'mad'. Dissociation, although extremely unsettling can happen to anyone, especially those suffering from anxiety or extreme stress and thankfully doesn't last long. It's now something I wish I'd been aware of and believe it needs to be talked about much more. But that's a whole other blog post!
That's when I decided to do the 'right' thing; I took myself off to the doctors. Actually no, it took me months and numerous attempts. Even then I remember my sweaty palms and increasing heart rate as I sat in the waiting room wondering if I should just forget it and buy a book on mindfulness from Amazon instead. Another side note: There's probably going to be a lot of side notes! I joke. Actual side note: This isn't a story about how I cured my mental health problems with medication and therapy through the NHS (although that is an option and a good one for many) but a journey of discovery & kindness.
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